Well-intentioned bigotry is still bigotry
Jun. 16th, 2011 09:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
citrinesunsetThe other day on Fandom Secrets, I inadvertently found out that an author I'd come to have some respect for as a writer, Brandon Sanderson, has expressed some homophobic views.
I read the blog post that started it, and his comments in the discussion thread that was also linked, and honestly, he doesn't come across as a hateful guy. He comes across to me as someone who lives in a homophobic community and has been shaped by that, but who's more open-minded than many, wants to be open-minded, and maybe feels like he's succeeding more than he is. I don't think he's a bad person.
But this isn't really about him so much as the response to him.
It bothers me that people, both in the Fandom Secrets thread and in the discussion on Reddit, were quick to defend him and take a conciliatory tone, like it's fine that he believes homosexuality should repressed as long as he seems friendly, and it's okay that he'd vote against our right to get married, and thinks he'd be doing us a favor by doing so, because hey, he does say he's for civil unions (which is good, but also has some issues, which I won't get into).
It bothers me that people inevitably make excuses for this type of "soft" bigotry.
Hate has always been a problem. People have died, are dying, and will die because of sheer hatred. But prejudice doesn't begin and end with that.
Gay marriage is illegal in my state. It's been explicitly banned, by public vote. I'm sure some of the people who voted for that ban hate LGBTQ people and/or are unpleasant, judgmental people in general.
But I bet a lot of the people who voted for the ban were a lot like Sanderson. That is, they're not bad people, but they live by "hate the sin, love the sinner," or they follow their church's anti-gay teachings, but claim not to have anything against gay people, or they think they're fine with gay people, and that they're supportive of their gay friends, even though they believe in "traditional marriage," or they're just uncomfortable for reasons they may not even realize. Some of my family members likely voted for the ban.
Of course, even pure hatred can come from the people close to you, even when you'd never expect it. But hate and violence seem to be things many people can agree are wrong.
Yet, there seems to be a notion that homophobia can be something that needs to be respected, especially if someone uses religion as their justification. In my first semester of English comp, my professor wouldn't let me write a paper arguing for gay marriage because it "had to do with people's religion." And I've seen the following happen too often:
* Person 1 "Homophobia is not cool. At all."
* Person 2: "These are my beliefs. If you don't respect that, you're being the intolerant person you're accusing me of being."
* Person 1: "No, no, I understand. Of course I respect your beliefs."
I don't respect homophobic beliefs. I don't care what excuse someone gives. I might be able to understand why someone is prejudiced, and I might respect the challenge some people face in overcoming ingrained prejudice, but I don't think bigotry itself deserves any respect. I'm under no obligation to have respect for beliefs that I feel are harmful. And yes, by that logic, they also have every right to continue being prejudiced. But the point is, I don't have to respect their prejudice.
For that matter, I don't care that much if someone supports legalizing gay rights, but still believes homosexuality itself is wrong. Well, I do care. I respect it when people realize it's wrong to force their subjective beliefs on others, and I appreciate it. But it doesn't mean I'm okay with their personal prejudice. They have their right to it, but I don't have to like it.
I think showing respect for homophobia sends the wrong message. It further encourages people to use religion and morals as an excuse to be bigoted. It gives the impression that homophobia is fine to express as long as you don't do it like Fred Phelps.
I also don't give anyone a pat on the head for being willing to "discuss" their prejudiced beliefs with queer people.
Look, I think it's great if someone is willing to think and talk about things. And I understand that prejudice can be hard to shake. My frustration isn't with people who are honestly trying. It's with the idea that we should be grateful for whatever discourse they give us, that any scrap of open-mindedness should make us applaud them. When they're rarely affected as directly by what they're talking about as the people they're addressing.
It's an ugly power imbalance. And when a well-intentioned person takes the position of, "I don't agree with your identity, but I'll talk to you about my feelings and think about yours," it hurts. Because it's not really a discussion between equals. It feels more like a parole hearing.
So don't expect me to be grateful for a chance to try to defend my identity or my rights. I'm not going to feel fine about someone talking to me about how they don't believe my love is as good as theirs.
I firmly believe that people can have some prejudiced beliefs but still be overall good people. In fact, I think most people are like this to some extent. I've believed things that I'm not proud of now. But excusing prejudice isn't the way to acknowledge this. Prejudice hurts, and sometimes it hurts the worst from the people whom we know are otherwise decent individuals. I can write Fred Phelps off as a cruel extremist. I expect bigotry from him. I don't expect it from my friends, or family members I always got along with before, or famous writers.
I read the blog post that started it, and his comments in the discussion thread that was also linked, and honestly, he doesn't come across as a hateful guy. He comes across to me as someone who lives in a homophobic community and has been shaped by that, but who's more open-minded than many, wants to be open-minded, and maybe feels like he's succeeding more than he is. I don't think he's a bad person.
But this isn't really about him so much as the response to him.
It bothers me that people, both in the Fandom Secrets thread and in the discussion on Reddit, were quick to defend him and take a conciliatory tone, like it's fine that he believes homosexuality should repressed as long as he seems friendly, and it's okay that he'd vote against our right to get married, and thinks he'd be doing us a favor by doing so, because hey, he does say he's for civil unions (which is good, but also has some issues, which I won't get into).
It bothers me that people inevitably make excuses for this type of "soft" bigotry.
Hate has always been a problem. People have died, are dying, and will die because of sheer hatred. But prejudice doesn't begin and end with that.
Gay marriage is illegal in my state. It's been explicitly banned, by public vote. I'm sure some of the people who voted for that ban hate LGBTQ people and/or are unpleasant, judgmental people in general.
But I bet a lot of the people who voted for the ban were a lot like Sanderson. That is, they're not bad people, but they live by "hate the sin, love the sinner," or they follow their church's anti-gay teachings, but claim not to have anything against gay people, or they think they're fine with gay people, and that they're supportive of their gay friends, even though they believe in "traditional marriage," or they're just uncomfortable for reasons they may not even realize. Some of my family members likely voted for the ban.
Of course, even pure hatred can come from the people close to you, even when you'd never expect it. But hate and violence seem to be things many people can agree are wrong.
Yet, there seems to be a notion that homophobia can be something that needs to be respected, especially if someone uses religion as their justification. In my first semester of English comp, my professor wouldn't let me write a paper arguing for gay marriage because it "had to do with people's religion." And I've seen the following happen too often:
* Person 1 "Homophobia is not cool. At all."
* Person 2: "These are my beliefs. If you don't respect that, you're being the intolerant person you're accusing me of being."
* Person 1: "No, no, I understand. Of course I respect your beliefs."
I don't respect homophobic beliefs. I don't care what excuse someone gives. I might be able to understand why someone is prejudiced, and I might respect the challenge some people face in overcoming ingrained prejudice, but I don't think bigotry itself deserves any respect. I'm under no obligation to have respect for beliefs that I feel are harmful. And yes, by that logic, they also have every right to continue being prejudiced. But the point is, I don't have to respect their prejudice.
For that matter, I don't care that much if someone supports legalizing gay rights, but still believes homosexuality itself is wrong. Well, I do care. I respect it when people realize it's wrong to force their subjective beliefs on others, and I appreciate it. But it doesn't mean I'm okay with their personal prejudice. They have their right to it, but I don't have to like it.
I think showing respect for homophobia sends the wrong message. It further encourages people to use religion and morals as an excuse to be bigoted. It gives the impression that homophobia is fine to express as long as you don't do it like Fred Phelps.
I also don't give anyone a pat on the head for being willing to "discuss" their prejudiced beliefs with queer people.
Look, I think it's great if someone is willing to think and talk about things. And I understand that prejudice can be hard to shake. My frustration isn't with people who are honestly trying. It's with the idea that we should be grateful for whatever discourse they give us, that any scrap of open-mindedness should make us applaud them. When they're rarely affected as directly by what they're talking about as the people they're addressing.
It's an ugly power imbalance. And when a well-intentioned person takes the position of, "I don't agree with your identity, but I'll talk to you about my feelings and think about yours," it hurts. Because it's not really a discussion between equals. It feels more like a parole hearing.
So don't expect me to be grateful for a chance to try to defend my identity or my rights. I'm not going to feel fine about someone talking to me about how they don't believe my love is as good as theirs.
I firmly believe that people can have some prejudiced beliefs but still be overall good people. In fact, I think most people are like this to some extent. I've believed things that I'm not proud of now. But excusing prejudice isn't the way to acknowledge this. Prejudice hurts, and sometimes it hurts the worst from the people whom we know are otherwise decent individuals. I can write Fred Phelps off as a cruel extremist. I expect bigotry from him. I don't expect it from my friends, or family members I always got along with before, or famous writers.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-03 09:17 pm (UTC)And ugh, "soft" bigotry. I've run into a few people who were obviously extremely uncomfortable with gay people, but because they're already liberal, decided that they are totally "gay-friendly" and infallible about it... which means when they inevitably say something stupid, it has to be ignored. Because the "gay friendly" people in that group were all straight.
I refuse to even speak to "Hate the sin, love the sinner" assholes. That's not love, that's abuse. If they can't see that, I don't want anything to do with them. And it is not my responsibility, simply because of my sexuality, to be an ambassador for the gay agenda. First-off, it's a waste of time, and secondly it is not my job to baby these people.
... So, um, yeah, definitely agree with you, Lol.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-04 03:42 am (UTC)I'm always really surprised when people seem to think that the "hate the sin, love the sinner" brand of "acceptance" is a genuinely nice gesture. Same thing when people talk about how "everyone is a sinner." These arguments hinge on the idea that homosexuality is a sin to begin with, and that it's an action rather than a part of who someone is. Of course I'm going to be insulted by that!